War of the Supermarkets
by Link015
Summary: It's the sequel to Farina's Diary! The members of the army must go through another harrowing experience, bringing down one of the biggest companies in Elibe...Elibe-Mart, headed by Nergal.
1. Chapter 1: The Final Battle…of Stupidity

Chris: Here it is! The sequel to Farina's Diary! And….Yeah, it's a weird idea, but hey, it's stupid enough that it's really funny. Well, you'll see! Starting with the final level, Light! Oh, and doubt there will be pairings…Except for the ones that were in FEH. Which is a lot. Well, I might've changed them around. All pairings are cool, unless they're really weird and disgusting. And…I think the characters aren't as stupid now. They'll be stupid at times. Just not all the time. I thought that Eliwood needed a break. A reeaaally small one.

Farina: You still are going to be paying me, right?

Chris: Uh…Don't own Fire Emblem! -runs away-

Farina: ARGH!

EDIT: Since QuickEdit is a pain in the ass, changes in location shall now my marked by that hard gray line thingy. Not my traditional one hyphen.

* * *

**Chapter 1: The Final Battle…of Stupidity**

"Do any of you know when Athos is coming! We've been waiting forever!" Farina whined as she dealt out her cards. The army, affectionately termed Hector's Hecklers by the troops, was stationed outside of Dragon's Gate, waiting for an old man named Athos.

"You just have to be patient." Kent gathered his cards, and frowned once he saw what they were.

"Good hand, poker face?" Farina snickered and looked at the other people who were playing. "You in, Sain?"

"Huh?" Sain turned around, looking confused.

"Poker. You know. The game where you get five cards? Try to get a combo and win a ton of money? That card game?"

"Oh…Yeah! Yeah, I'm in." Sain shook his head, and reached out for his cards. His gaze kept on wandering, and he grinned as his sights focused on some of the female members of the group. Except for Priscilla, since Raven had glared at him and flipped him off last time.

"What about you, Lowen? Gotta go cook something?" Farina glanced at the green-haired cavalier, who brushed some of his hair out of his eyes.

"Nah, Lord Eliwood said we had enough food. Speaking of food…" Lowen pulled out a couple of cookies from his pack and started munching on them. "I haven't had lunch yet."

"Right…Well, I bet 100 gold. Sain! What're you looking at!" Farina looked up from her cards and found out that Sain had been staring at her. She blushed self-consciously and prepared to launch her fist into his face.

"Wait, wait!" Sain held up his hands subconsciously, defending himself from the incoming pain. "I wasn't exactly staring at you. I was staring at the beautiful scenery behind you. That bright blue sky, the deep blue color of the lake….And those trees! Looking so fragile in the wind."

"Bullshit." Farina couldn't help smiling though, as they continued with the game.

* * *

"Hey, Eliwood! Where are you!" Lyn walked around the camp, shouting at the top of her lungs.

"Whaddya want?" A frustrated voice came from the tent where Eliwood had been sleeping.

"Hey, Eliwood? Shouldn't be coming out now?"

"No! My hairstyle is still messed up! I look like Hector!" The tent flaps closed even tighter, and Lyn snickered at the image of Eliwood looking like Hector. "See! Even you're laughing!"

"I'm sorry! Heh heh…" Lyn tried to restrain her giggles, but failed. She leaned against one of the tent poles, shaking. After a couple of minutes, she was able to stop laughing, and only let out a small chuckle every now and then. "O-Okay…I'm fine, I'm fine…Come on, Eliwood! It can't be that bad!"

"Fine, fine. Hmph." Eliwood grumbled from inside the tent and then poked his head out. Lyn gazed at his hair, and was able to keep a straight face, but it was really tough for her. Because Eliwood had been completely correct on the account of his hair. He really did look like Hector.

Eliwood furtively glanced around, and when he was certain he wasn't being watched, he stepped out. "Yeah, what did you want, Lyn? You do know this isn't a good time to talk to me…"

"Yeah, with the death of Ninian and all. Nils has been an emotional wreck. He didn't even taunt Hector when that oaf tripped and fell in the mud." Lyn shook her head sadly. "But, come on! Army morale has hit a new low since you've been like this. Come and walk with me. It'll cheer up the troops."

Eliwood let out a sigh. "Okay, sure. But no funny stuff, okay?"

"Scout's honor."

"Scout's honor? What the hell is that?"

"I don't know. Heard it from Chris. Let's go, Eliwood."

"Oh, yeah. Of course." Eliwood took her hand and she led him back towards the main part of the camp.

* * *

"Matthew? What are you doing with my stuff?"

Matthew froze. He hadn't sensed anyone approaching, and when he looked back, there stood Hector, with a frighteningly calm expression on his face.

"Um…My lord. I was just…Rearranging the furniture!" Matthew winced when he heard himself speak. Even Hector had to know that there was no furniture in the tent.

"Oh, very well. Carry on." Hector walked off, while Matthew blinked in astonishment. He definitely didn't think that excuse would work, but since he was off the hook, he decided to make a break for it.

"Hey, wait a minute…I don't have any furniture!" Hector spun around, and saw Matthew dashing away. "MATTHEW!" Hector chased after Matthew, yelling at the thief to stop. Matthew was, incidentally, smart enough to decide that stopping meant certain death, so he didn't stop. He dashed off through the camp, nearly running into Guy.

"Hey! Watch where you're going! I almost sliced your head off!" Guy yelled at Matthew's retreating figure, that is, until he got bowled over by Hector.

"Oh, Matthew! Want in on the game?" Farina looked up from her cards to see Matthew running for his life.

"Sorry! Not now!" Matthew dashed off again, Hector still in pursuit.

"Eh, oh well. Guess that just means I'll have to play with these suckers…Uh, I mean, skilled opponents." Farina quickly covered her mistake, but judging by the glares she was receiving, it didn't work.

* * *

"Dratted humidity." An old man carrying a bunch of weapons and books groaned. "Young 'uns these days. Don't know when they're better off." He groaned and rubbed his back. "Please get us these weapons, Archsage Athos. Please kill everyone for us Archsage Athos. Ooops, I wet my pants, Archsage Athos." Technically, Athos was being biased, since no one had said that last thing. But then, the Archsage was the Archsage, and with 5 legendary weapons at his disposal, I doubt that anyone would've argued that point.

He stomped into camp, looking around at the games and relative chaos going around. He grumbled again. "Look at these people. They don't show any respect for their elders. Back in my day, if a person as important as I am walked into my hometown, there would already be throngs of people to meet him." He trudged through the camp, and spotted Eliwood walking with Lyn.

"Eliwood! Lyn! Where's that oaf, Hector!"

"Archsage?" Eliwood and Lyn looked at the new arrival. And at his yard-long beard.

"No, it's the tooth fairy. I've come to knock out your teeth." Athos grumbled to himself as he walked up to them, holding the weapons. "Here, I got you the weapons. Now let me sleep. It was a long journey from Nabata."

"Couldn't you have just…warped here?" Lyn scratched her head.

"Right…Uh, mind your own business!"

"Of course, Archsage. So, what are these weapons?" Eliwood pointed at the sack.

"They're toothpicks specially made for cleaning dentures."

"Really! Wow, I never knew you could do that! Hey, wait…" Eliwood looked excitingly at the bag, but then remember another bad experience with a bag. "Wait…That's not an Amazing Bag on Wonderment, is it?" (A.N.: From an upcoming chapter of Fire Emblem Halloween. You'll see.)

"Wha? What are you talking about, son! I've got you those legendary weapons you were whining about!" Athos tipped the bag over, and nearly impaled his foot with Durandal. "Holy footsnappers!"

* * *

Yeah, so, Athos gave them the weapons, they did all this stuff, and killed Nergal-

Chris: What the hell are you doing!

I'm just paraphrasing.

Chris: Don't paraphrase! Get on with the story!

Fine, fine. Sheesh.

* * *

After Athos finished explaining what the weapons were, he walked under a tree and immediately fell asleep.

"I guess we won't be counting on his help. Hmm…Hey Merlinus!" Hector shouted for the merchant. A portly, blue-haired merchant walked through the crowd of people, occasionally stumbling over feet, weapons, staves, and in one case, somebody's golf club.

"Right here, Lord Hector!"

"Good work, my man!" Hector slapped Merlinus heartily on the back. "We're gonna need you to replace Rip Van Winkle over there."

"B-But, my lord…I cannot fight!"

"You can now!" Hector shoved a lance into Merlinus' hands. "Oh, and don't forget to being your wagon!"

"Oh dear…" Merlinus walked off, mumbling to himself. Luckily the lance was blunt, or else half of the members would be nursing wounds, some of them in very embarrassing places.

After another hour of good-natured (hopefully) cursing and insults, the army finally got ready to enter Dragon's Gate.

"Okay, men! This-"

"Don't forget us women! Don't be sexist!" Farina called from the background, smirking.

"Fine! This is it, my friends! We've-"

"Who said we're your friends?" Erk muttered near the front, still angry for the practical jokes played on him.

"We already said we were sorry, Erk. There's no point in holding a grudge. Now, let me get to my speech."

"You made a speech!" Someone in the middle area shouted and soon everyone was laughing.

"Sigh…And people wonder why my army is named Hector's Hecklers." Hector shook his head. "Okay, screw this! Let's just go in."

"Yay!"

And with that, Hector's Hecklers charged into Dragon's Gate, where no one was guaranteed to return alive…

And inside, they met the mastermind. Nergal, whose evil could only be cleansed by his death. He was past redemption, and darkness surrounded him like a wraith. But then Merlinus brought in a torch and everyone realized that he was just dirty.

"Aw man, why'd you guys come now? I'm kinda busy!"

"Um…Nergal? We're here to kill you?" Hector lowered his axe, this totally not being what he had expected.

"Oh yeah! That!" Nergal warped away to another room far away. "Before you can kill me, you must defeat my obstacles! Now…Prepare…For the Battle of the Bands!" He pulled a rope and a nearby room opened, showing various Black Fang people.

"I thought we killed you guys." Hector pointed at Jerme, who just sneered at him.

"MWAHAHAHAHA! Those were just decoys you killed! You must defeat my band by playing better music!" Nergal laughed evilly, and then settled back to listen. Nergal's Band, which will now be known as…Uh, Nergal's Band, began playing the rousing tune named Softly with Grace (Have you noticed that the music is nothing like the name?).

"My band! Hop to it!" Eliwood pointed at the members of his band, who sighed and began unpacking their instruments.

When Eliwood's Band finally set themselves up, they played Eliwood's Theme. Eliwood himself smiled satisfactorily, and nodded in tune with the music. The tactician, a young boy named Chris, stepped up.

"Uh, what other songs didja teach them?"

"Do they need to know any other songs?"

"Right…" Chris walked off, covering his eyes with his hand and shaking his head. He promptly walked into a wall and started nursing a hurt nose.

After a couple of hours passed, it still didn't seem like there was going to be any victory in sight. Luckily, or maybe unluckily, if you want to see it from Nergal's point of view, Karel finally snapped and began stabbing people with his violin bow. Yes, the bow. As in that little wooden stick that helps you play the violin. Screams of agony resounded through the building.

"My eye! It's bleeeeeeeding! No, wait, that's ketchup. But it still hurts!"

"He sliced off one of my fingers! Ouch!"

"Argh! He's killed me! Look, I'm dying!"

"Dude, he didn't even touch you."

"Oh…Yahoo! Sucks for you guys!"

Ahem, anyway, after a couple of minutes, all the members of Nergal's Band had fled, and only Eliwood's Band was left. Nergal looked shocked.

"You guys cheated!"

"Nope, we just played better than you!" Eliwood gave a smug grin.

"Grrrr….Go Dancing Morphs!" Nergal pulled another rope, and our pranced, you got it, dancing morphs. They surrounded the entrance and started dancing.

"Come on, troops! The only thing we can do is hum 'West Side Story' and have a dance fight!" After he said that, almost everyone in Hector's Hecklers got ready for the dance fight. If you are wondering, a dance fight is just two teams of dancers…dancing. Yeah, and glaring at everyone too.

Sain, Nino, and Nils found a DJ booth and they rushed towards it. Sain donned some sunglasses and began stacking various Fire Emblem tracks. As for Nino and Nils…They were having fun moving the discs back and forth. Ah, the energy of youth…But I digress.

Both of the teams took their respective sides in the giant building, and when Sain started the music, they all started dancing.

Marcus, Wallace, Renault, Vaida, and Oswin were doing the disco, going back into the days of their youth where disco dancing was still popular. And not a dance for old people…Like them. Kent, being the original and creative guy he was, started to do the robot. Of course, no one knew what a robot was like, but they trusted his judgment.

Karla, Rath, and Guy, however, with their wider range of expertise, were breakdancing. Because, as everyone knows, you need a plainsman's skill in order to do perfect breakdancing. And who could forget that brown-haired archer Wil? Certainly not me. And definitely not when he was moonwalking across the building. And dancing like Micheal Jackson. But it's the moonwalking that shone through. Even though people say it's hard, Wil was able to do it as though he was born to moonwalk.

Lyn and Hawkeye were doing a ceremonial Indian dance. While no one knows where they picked it up from, everyone believed that they were the best. Especially Sain. Since, you know, he's like that. The axe users, namely Dart, Bartre, Hector, Dorcas, and Geitz were river dancing! And singing Pirates of the Caribbean too. Oh those crazy pirates. And as for Merlinus, well, he couldn't dance, so he was selling dance shoes in the corner.

And as for those conservative, older people, they had the good ol' Macarena by their side. Well, Harken, Isadora, Louise, and Pent were doing the Macarena. Maybe they didn't have any other dances they knew. And as for Matthew and Legault, they were doing what they called the "thieving dance". Which consisted of them stealing various items from the opposing morphs. Yeah, it wasn't much different from regular stealing.

And as for some of the others, they had those classical dances….You know, like the waltz. Or something like that. So, at the moment, Eliwood was dancing with Fiora, Erk was dancing with Florina, Lowen with Serra (unfortunately for him), Canas with Farina, and Heath with Rebecca. However, Priscilla didn't have a partner, but she was able to con the tactician into dancing, even though he didn't know jack about it. So Chris continued stumbling around, trying very hard not to bump into anyone or step on their feet. Which was very, very hard.

Outside of everyone else, Raven, Jaffar, Karel, and Lucius stood by themselves. Lucius because he wasn't one for dancing, Raven because he never liked dancing and sucked at it anyway, Karel because…He's Karel, and finally Jaffar, for the same reason.

"So…What do you guys want to do?"

"Hmm…Let's kill the morphs. I'm bored, and I need more blood."

"….Okay."

"I'm not fond of senseless killing…But I suppose it can't be helped."

With that, the four plunged into the enemy morphs, stabbing, slashing, and in any way killing them. Eliwood noticed the distinct lack of morphs as he looked up from his dancing and gave a cheer.

"Sweet! We're winning! Keep dancing people!"

After a couple of more minutes, all of the dancing morphs had been eliminated. Nergal staggered backwards.

"Argh! You may have defeated my morphs, but I have a bigger surprise for you!" He reached for another rope in the main chamber.

"How many freakin ropes does he have!"

"I don't know. And why are his lines so…bad. You'd think villains would have better dialogue."

"Shut up!" Nergal trembled in anger. He pointed a finger at Hector's Hecklers. "Go get them! SALESMEN ATTACK!" He snapped his fingers and disappeared. Suddenly, the Dragon's Gate morphed into a dreaded sight. The dreaded sight was one of those local wholesale stores; named Elibe-Mart. Members of the army looked around nervously, awaiting some sort of attack. Then, it came to them.

"We've got to get to the main office! That's where Nergal should be hiding!" The army ran towards the office, which was located behind numerous aisles and racks. But when Hector confirmed the charge, salesmen of every age and gender suddenly appeared, and began rattling various advertisements to them.

"I'm! Just! Looking!" Eliwood trudged forward, held back by salesmen persuading him to buy some Steel Blades. Soon, everyone found themselves stuck in the same sort of predicament.

"Must…Resist…Sale!" Wil shut his eyes, trying to block out the '50 off!' and 'Buy one, get one free!' signs.

"Come on Wil! We can make it!" Rebecca was beside her friend, also trying to resist the alluring call of bargains. However, she suddenly felt his presence ripped away, and when she opened her eyes, she saw him standing in line, holding a thousand-pack of arrows. "NOOO! Wil!"

"Go on! Save yourself! It's too late for me!" Wil bravely waved Rebecca on, clutching his box of arrows.

Hector, being the person he is, was destroying various packages with his axes. "Come on! Who need a twelve-pack of axes?" The moment he said that, however, the axe he was holding shattered in his hands. Looking around, he picked up a box and went to stand in line. "Touché, Elibe-Mart…"

"Priscilla! Don't!" Matthew was struggling to hold her back from a six-pack of Heal staves. Priscilla was trying to resist as well, but the idea of saving money kept tugging her.

"It's…60...percent…off! I need to buy it!" Priscilla struggled against Matthew's grip. The blond thief let out a small sigh and lightly smacked Priscilla on the head. The red-haired girl shook her head, temporarily safe from the false deals of the packaging.

After a couple of hours, everyone who had survived the onslaught was assembled out of the doorway. Many of their comrades had been taken in by the deals and bargains. In fact, only Eliwood, Chris, Farina, Matthew, Priscilla, and Rebecca were still there. Eliwood had resisted because…I don't know, he's Eliwood! What'd you expect? Probably too stupid to realize he could have saved money. Chris was only able to get through because he didn't have enough money to buy anything, bargain or not. Farina, because she didn't want to spend any of her money. Matthew didn't bother buying anything since he reasoned that he could probably just steal them all later and he stopped Priscilla from giving in to the urge for shopping. Rebecca was spurred on by Wil's brave sacrifice, and had shot at any salesmen going her way. They soon learned to give her a wide berth.

Eliwood knocked the door open, and inside sat Nergal. "We've finally found you, Nergal!"

"Oh, you finally got here." Nergal placed an ordinary mirror on a wall of the room. "Now look!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH! MONSTER! KILL IT!" Eliwood smashed the mirror with his sword, panting.

"Sigh…I just said to look in it, not destroy it!" Nergal keyed the intercom on. "Cleanup in main office! Oh, and send in another mirror!" As he waited for the workers to do that, he folded his hands and looked at them from the desk. "So, what do you want? Jobs?"

"We've come to kill you, you blackheart!"

"Oh, that wounds me!" Nergal pantomimed getting stabbed. Then he stopped when a worker finally finished fixing up the shattered glass. Nergal placed the new mirror on the wall. "Okay, now look at it! Don't smash it!"

"Hmph! Fine!" Eliwood turned and looked at the mirror. The others in the office looked at the mirror too.

"Um…What are we supposed to see?" Farina poked Matthew, who shrugged.

"That is the face of someone who shops at Elibe-Mart!" Nergal laughed triumphantly.

"NOOOOOOO!" Eliwood covered his eyes. "It's horrible! Disgusting!"

"MWAHAHAHAHA! Feel my power!"

"Forget it! We've come to kill you!" Rebecca drew her bow and pointed an arrow at Nergal.

"Kill me, eh? You forget! I own Elibe-Mart! I AM ELIBE-MART! HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" With that said, Nergal disappeared again. And with it, the illusion of Elibe-Mart disappeared, and the army found themselves back in Dragon's Gate. And three fire dragons, looking very angry, were facing them.

"Aw shit…"

* * *

Chris: Whoo. There you go. The first weird chapter of the sequel to Farina's Diary. Congratulate me. Now I must go update my other fics. 


	2. Chapter 2: The Prince, The Plot, and The...

Chris: Glad to see so many people like the sequel. But now, we must reserve a couple of seconds for the mourning of Farina's Diary, which was deleted for having violence above the rating. But anyway, reader reviews and then story time.

**Nightmare: **Heh, glad you like it. Yeah, Elibe-Mart is cool.

**The Yeoman: **Nope, I don't watch South Park. Don't have cable.

**Mallow-chan: **Ah…Ninian dies after the level where you get Eliwood's (or Hector's) legendary weapon. Yeah.

**Lack Thereof: **Thanks for the compliments. And I hope you continue to like it.

**K-Gforever: **Yeah, dance fights are funny. Glad you like the fic.

**Kiyoko-chan: **Hehehe, salesmen are really, really evil. And you're right. They are like pop-ups.

**Lord of swords and waffles: **Thanks for the praise and…Glad you like it.

* * *

**Chapter 2: The Prince, The Plot, and The Pansy**

"HOLY CRAPMONKEYS, WE'RE SCREWED!" As soon as Hector's Hecklers saw the dragon looming over them, they dashed around like frightened little children. Which they were, kinda. But Hector finally managed to gather his wits and organized the whole team.

"Okay. That might be a huge-ass dragon up there, and we might be little tiny insects compared to it, but I believe we can defeat it!" He raised his fist in victory, hoping to cheer the troops. He partially succeeded. Some people were still skeptical, and then there was the fact that the dragon was leaning down to breathe fire on them all. Hector turned. "Fudge biscuits! Okay, new plan of attack! We need to hide!"

"Where?" Eliwood looked around frantically. "I can't find a place to hide!"

Hector thought for a moment. "Everyone behind Merlinus's Tent! Or…Uh…Wagon!" So every member of Hector's Hecklers decided to either hide in the wagon, behind the wagon, or under the wagon. And amazingly enough, the wagon jumped fifty feet in the air, dodging the dragonfire and leaving everyone unharmed. The dragon glared at the funny, blue wagon and tried swiping at it. The wagon flew around Dragon's Gate, dodging the swipes and settled down out of the reach of the monster.

"Merlinus?" Hector stepped out of the wagon.

"Y-Yes, milord?"

"Where in the hells did you get this wagon?" Hector shouted as he looked at it. Actually, everyone gathered around and looked at it. Since no one had seen a flying wagon before…You can understand their surprise.

"Um…Well, there was the Ilian Black Market…And then those dragons at Arcadia decided to help me…And a couple of bribes on the continent of Etruria." Merlinus ticked off the various locations where he had obtained upgrades for his wagon. "I believe that's it." He looked around and saw that everyone was staring at him. "What?"

Hector shook his head. "Nevermind. Anyway, Chris, do you have a plan to defeat this thing?"

The tactician pointed to himself. "What? Me? Against that thing? Yeah right. Against people, sure. Against a honking huge dragon that could swallow us all up in one big gulp? No." He sighed. "This is the last thing I was expecting when I joined the tactician's guild. They said, 'Oh, don't worry! You won't fight any great dragons or stupid stuff like that!' Stupid freakin' liars."

"That's just great. Now how are we going to do this?" Hector slapped his face and moaned. "Ever with our legendary weapons, I doubt we can do anything other than give it a really bad ache."

Lyn tapped her chin. "I've got no idea. Man, I just wish something would come and solve our troubles."

Just as she said that, a giant flying ship came in. Yes, a giant flying ship. And out jumped a pirate and a bunch of cats. Yes, cats. One even had a hook for a hand. But they were cats. They yelled battle cries, swarmed the dragon, and then dashed back to their ship. The army looked on as the ship fired a bunch of cannonballs at the dragon before flying away.

"That was…amusing. I think. And random too." Lyn looked at the dragon, who scratching itself. "Hmm…if my last wish came true, then….I wish for a pizza." Just like earlier, her wish came true and a giant pizza fell into her hands. "I've got an idea!" She threw the pizza into the Dragon's Gate. The dragon looked at the pizza as it was flying and followed it into the portal.

"Quickly Nils! Seal the gate!" Eliwood pointed at the young boy.

"Right!" He whipped out his flute and played a song, which closed off the portal. Hector's Hecklers cheered. Nils grinned and pocketed his flute. Then he noticed that there was a certain white-blue haired girl standing nearby. "Ninian!" At that, everyone turned and spotted the dancer. She waved to them. Everyone was dumbfounded, and Athos grunted as he saw them all.

"Like a bunch of cows! I don't see what the big idea is! My friend and I resurrected her for you whelps!" Athos grumbled again. Nobody replied and he shook his head. "Look at that! Kids show no respect! Don't even thank me for my kind gesture."

Eliwood was the first to break the silence. "ThankyougodandAthostooOMGIamsohappyandyayness!" He rushed up to Ninian wrapped the dancer in a big hug. That broke the spell of dumbfoundedness and everyone rushed to talk to Ninian and to thank Athos. Now that he had been justly thanked, Athos waved his staff to get everyone's attention. When he didn't get it, he whacked a couple of noggins. That got their attention.

"Listen you fudgefingers! Nergal is still alive, and he's leading a worldwide campaign for his Elibe-Mart stores! He's saying that he'll lower prices by 50 if people kidnap you guys and bring you to him! So you better stop him!" Athos laughed. "Of course, I think you'll all fail, but that's just me. Have fun!" The archsage warped away, leaving the army.

"Well that just blows. We'll need to counter this new threat." Lyn planted her fists on her hips. "There's an Elibe-Mart in every country here, right? Bern, Ilia, Lycia, Sacae, the Western Isles, Valor, Etruria, and Nabata, I think." Lyn shook her head. "How are we going to do this?"

Eliwood stopped hugged Ninian for a moment to reply. "We could always separate into groups." With that spoken, he and Ninian began making out.

"Get a room!"

"Ahem." Hector cleared his throat. "I think that's a good idea. Anyway, we have forty-three people and there are either stores. Plus we need to make one of our own to make some competition."

"Good idea, milord!" Merlinus raised his hands. "I would like the make the store, and have Guy, Matthew, Legault, Priscilla, and Fiora as my helpers!"

Hector scratched his hair. "Hmm…Very well. You guys got that?" He pointed to the selected people. They nodded and left with Merlinus to form their own market, which Merlinus wanted to call Merlinus's Mart. It was a very original and catchy name. Not.

Chris wrote the people on a list. "That leaves…thirty-seven. Okay, first Elibe-Mart is…Ilia. Who's going there?"

Eliwood, Farina, Kent, Sain, and Ninian raised their hands. Chris looked at them. "And why do you want to be the Ilian one?" After he got their replies, he sighed and jotted them down on his notes. Farina wanted to go there so she can sell stuff at the black market, Sain wanted to go because Farina was going, Kent wanted to go because he was afraid of what Sain would do, and Eliwood and Ninian wanted to go there to get married. Yeah…Chris was kind of afraid of the last two, but there was nothing he could do. "Good luck." He waved them off and Erk warped them all to Ilia.

"Now…The Bern one?" He looked up. Raven, Rath, Jaffar, Karel, Geitz and Bartre raised their hands. "Same question as I asked the Ilian group. Why?" The tactician wrote down their names.

"I want to kill people."

"I must test my strength!"

"I'm just really bored."

"…"

"…I want to."

"I need more blood."

Chris sighed. "Sure, why not? If Eliwood and Ninian just want to go to Ilia to make out, why can't a group of people just go to kill everyone? I feel like I'm making a huge mistake, but have fun." He nodded and Erk warped them to Bern.

"Next is…The Sacaen one. Who is it this time?" Chris looked up. Lyn, Florina, Wallace, Karla, and Vaida had their hands raised. Chris sighed and asked them the same questions. Lyn and Karla both wanted to go to Sacae because it was their home country while Wallace just wanted to go because he reasoned he couldn't get lost in the plains. Vaida wanted to go so she could argue with Wallace and Florina wanted to go to protect Lyn. He waved them off and Erk teleported them again.

"Lycia?" Chris looked up. This time, Hector, Canas, Rebecca, Wil, Lowen, Marcus, Harken, and Isadora raised their hands. Chris didn't bother asking for their reasons, since it was kind of obvious. You know, since they're from Lycia and all that…

"Next up is Nabata." Only Hawkeye raised his hand up for that and Erk warped him to Nabata.

"Etruria?" Erk, Priscilla, Pent, Louise, Serra, and Lucius raised their hands. Since, they were from Etruria, Chris bid them good luck and they all warped to Etruria.

"Western Isles?" Oswin, Dorcas, Renault, Heath, and Dart raised their hands. Chris finally asked why they wanted to go to the Western Isles.

"I hear that there's treasure in them thar hills!"

"Adventure. What else?"

"It's a place where I can finally seek solitude."

"I need to get stronger to protect my lord."

"Maybe I can get more money to help Natalie."

Renault warped them all to the Western Isles before Chris could wish them good luck. He shrugged and looked at the last location.

"Valor?" Chris looked up and sighed. He was the only one left in this whole place. "Crap suckers. How the hell am I going to do this? Theydidn't say anything about toppling an international supermarket chain in tactician school either." He folded his notes and placed them in his cloak and set out to find the Valor Elibe-Mart, which was right outside.

"Uh…How convenient." The tactician walked up to the front door of the supermarket, where he was stopped by two Morphs. "Uh, hello?"

"YOU CANNOT PASS!"

"Geez, that line is so overused. I mean, can't you just leave it to Lord of the Rings? Don't go stealing their lines." Chris shook his head. "Come up with something original."

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!"

"That's even worse. And it has bad grammar too. Give me a break. This is stupid." The tactician turned to leave. "But hey, before I leave, could you like…demolish the market or something? And then disappear like you always do when you die?"

"NO!"

"Hey, hey! The customer is always right! Now do it!" Chris pointed inside. As soon as he said that, the Valor Elibe-Mart shook, and then collapsed. "Sweet!" He jumped up joyfully. "Ha ha! All right!" Then he calmed down. "Wait…How the hell am I supposed to get off this island?" Chris looked around. "Crap." He leaned down and searched the rubble for anything that would help him leave Valor Isle.

"The tactician's guildnever said anything about being stuck on an abandoned island either."

* * *

Chris: Rejoice, for I have finished a second chapter. And after this, there will be chapters on the individual markets! Yay. Review, please! 


	3. Chapter 3: He’s Good, Just Not Around Gi...

Chris: It's the next chapter! Since I know how popular this fic is…I think, I'm updating this faster. Hmm…I need to update my other fics too. Oh well. I'm sure they don't mind. Reader reviews, as usual. Oh, and don't own Fire Emblem. Elibe-Mart, however, and Merlinus's Mart, belong to me and my friend who helped me come up with the idea.

**Spritz Rickle: **Glad you liked it. Sorry about not putting you in the first chapter, but….I forgot. Anyway, it's a good thing you found music that goes so well with my fic! And…Uh…Softly with Grace is better than Eliwood's Theme. Probably cause Eliwood is a pansy. And I don't think you're weird. Yet. You're getting close though.

**Lord of swords and waffles: **Yeah, the person who reported it is a jackass. Anyway…Farina did change the pairings…Hmm, I forgot about that. Oh well, I did say I'd change it around a little…Hehehe, you gave me an idea. But you'll have to wait and see.

**narugurlee13: **Thank you for the compliments. And for mourning for Farina's Diary. And while it's true that "The customer is always right!" is such a bad motto, and never true, it's always fun to see what would happen if it was true.

**Lack Thereof: **If you're talking about that Eliwood line of "OMG" and stuff, that was on purpose. If you mean the others, then you're right, QuickEdit sucks. And yeah, Farina's Diary was deleted. Stupid asshole who reported it. And for the wrong reason, too.

**Nightmare: **Yeah, Sain in Ilia…Because that would just be funny. And I hope you have a good time in your vacation!

**Aeros Fujita: **Thanks for the compliments. And yes, it is odd. But oddity is the…weird salesmen of life.

**Mallow-chan (at school): **Hehehe, glad you liked it. Just don't make people stare at you while you're laughing.

**Kiyoko-chan: **Heheh, glad you liked it so much. I try to keep the utmost hilarity in all my fics. And yep, I have explained the wagon! I'll get to the healing part later.

**K-Gforever: **Heh, thanks. And you'll find out the mischief. It's funny mischief.

Chris: God, too long. If I get more of these, I'll be putting them at the end of the fic.

* * *

**Chapter 3: He's Good, Just Not Around Girls**

"So this is Ilia. It's very…cold." Eliwood shivered slightly.

"Yep! This is my home land of Ilia! Come on, let's get that Elibe-Mart shut down so I can peddle your things at the Black Market!" Farina stepped up, her eyes sparkling in the chill wind.

"Right! Wait, what?" Eliwood looked at Farina.

"Ah, you know I was joking, right?" Farina shrugged. "Come on, let's go."

"Of course, O Farina, beauty of my eyes!" Sain leapt up, and promptly slipped on the snow, landing on his back.

"Don't call me that." Farina kicked Sain while he was on the ground, then helped him up. "And like an idiot either. Although, since this country usually has a lot of girls wandering around, that'd be kinda hard for you."

"Hey, I can control myself!" Sain brushed off any snow that had stuck to his armor. "Whoa, that chick is hot!" He pointed to a nearby pegasus knight. "Hello, beauty of Ilia!" He ran towards the pegasus knight, waving to her.

"He always does this, doesn't he?" Farina looked at his partner, Kent, who was moaning in his hands.

"Yes…Unfortunately, yes. Always yes. Come on, help me get him off of her." Kent sighed and started to pry Sain off of the girl. Unfortunately, Sain had, remarkably, charmed the girl, and now the girl wanted to travel with them.

"Sain, why did you do this?" Kent looked mournfully at his partner, who chuckled.

"Kent, Kent, Kent, my boon companion, don't tell me that you want me to get you a girl too. I can get one for you, if you want!"

Kent waved his hands in front of his face. "No! Of course not! Sigh…Come on, let's just go."

"Of course, my friend!" Sain smiled, and the group walked to the Ilian Elibe-Mart. The girl from earlier, who had introduced herself as Kylia, stopped them before they entered.

"What are you planning on doing?" She looked at Sain, who coughed.

"I-" He looked at the others, who were glaring. "I mean, we are planning to take down Elibe-Mart, because they're cheating morons."

"Oh, okay. I'll be waiting out here, like a good NPC who usually never gets any action!" She waved at them while they entered the supermarket.

Sain walked in first, holding his sword in his left hand. "Listen, Elibe-Mart! You will fall, because I am Sain, and I decree on the hearts of beautiful women everywhere that Elibe-Mart will fall!"

Employees in the Elibe-Mart turned, most of them with smirks on their faces. "Really? Here's what we'll do. We have a couple of games here, and if you can beat us all, then this Elibe-Mart will be destroyed, okay?"

Farina leaned to Kent, whispering, "You know it's a dungeon if it has a really stupid objective in order to complete it." Kent nodded his assent.

"Very well!" Sain sheathed his sword. "What are the games, my honorable foes?"

One of the employees stepped out, a wide grin on his features. "I will tell you the games we have!"

"OMFG! It's a guy!" Eliwood pointed.

"Um, yeah? Just because only girls are pegasus knights doesn't mean that there aren't guys here. You never thought about that?" Farina looked at Eliwood, one of her eyebrows raised.

"Hey, you're right!" Eliwood brightened. "How about that, Ninian?"

"Of course, Eliwood." Ninian leaned against the red-haired lord as he basked in the glow of his newfound wisdom.

"AHEM!" The employee cleared his throat. "Anyway, the games we have are blackjack, poker, roulette, and rock, paper, scissors."

"We've got rock, paper, scissors!" Sain grabbed his partner and immediately dragged him towards the room that was marked "Rock, Paper, Scissors."

"Uh…Um…I'll do the roulette, I guess." Ninian walked towards that room, twisting her shawl with her fingers.

"I've got blackjack!" Eliwood leaped into the door that blocked the room, and then staggered back, clutching his nose.

"Looks like that leaves me with poker." Farina grinned, and waited outside of that room.

"Okay! First game to be determined, will be…Rock, Paper, Scissors! And I will be your first opponent!" The male employee sat on the opposite side of the table that was in the Rock, Paper, Scissors room. "So, who will go first?"

"Go for it, Kent!" Sain pushed the other cavalier into the seat.

"Perfect." The employee snickered.

"Okay, Kent! Rock, paper, scissors…" The two of them began their game.

"Paper!"

"Rock!"

"Hah, I win!" Kent grinned.

"Oh no you don't!" The employee waggled his finger. "Rock rips through paper!"

"But I thought that Paper covers Rock."

"Yeah, but this is a heavy duty rock! Rips through anything!"

"Oh, right." Kent shook his head. "So…How many games will determine the winner?"

"Let's just say six." The employee grinned again. "Rock, paper, scissors…"

"Rock!"

"Double Paper!"

"I win this time, right?" Kent smiled.

"Nope!"

"But rock rips through paper!"

"True, but this is double paper! That rock ain't going anywhere! Can't rip through two pieces of paper!" The employee crowed in triumph. Of course, if the others had x-ray vision and could see what was happening (Sain was outside of the room.), then maybe they could tell Kent that the salesman was a complete cheat, but then they weren't there, and thank god they didn't have x-ray vision. Especially for Sain.

The next rounds went like that. (A/N: Just so you know, the first one is Kent's move, the second one is the salesman. It goes on like that.)

"Scissors!"

"Tiger Claws!" The salesman hooked two fingers like claws.

"Rock!"

"Beam Drill!" The worker put his five fingers together, forming a drill like figure.

"Paper!"

"Pen Missile!" The employee pulled a pen from the desk and smashed the blunt part against Kent's hand. "I win, sucker!"

"Ow! Damn, that's not fair!"

"Since you lost, you have to work from Elibe-Mart from now on! Here's your uniform." The employee tossed Kent a cheesy looking uniform, with the words 'Elibe-Mart pwns j00!' on it.

"This sucks."

"You have to report after this whole contest thing is over! Now, send in your friend."

"Sigh…Fine." Kent walked out of the room, miserable.

Sain greeted his friend. "So, did you win?"

"No…Stupid Pen Missile."

"What? There's no such move called Pen Missile." Sain looked at Kent.

"Wait…Really? What about Tiger Claws?" Sain shook his head. "Beam Drill?"

"Nope."

"Double Paper?"

"That's new, but no."

"And then I guess rock doesn't rip through paper."

"Never…He cheated, didn't he?"

"Yep…Of that little, conniving son of a bitch…" Kent seethed. "If I could go back in there, I'd kick his sorry, pimply ass."

"Don't worry, Kent! I'll defeat him!" Sain marched inside the room, and the door closed.

"Hey! Is Sain any good?" Farina called to the red-haired cavalier, who nodded.

"One of the best. Just as long as his opponent is a girl." Kent froze for a moment, and then opened the door. "SHIT!" Because inside was a young girl, who was busy playing against Sain. "We're doomed."

"I'll go out on a date with you if you let me win." The girl smiled at Sain.

"Uh…Well…" Sain pulled at his collar. "I don't know…"

"The girl leaned closer to Sain. "Pleeeease? Pretty please? Come on, Sainy! It's just one game."

"Uh…All right, all right! Fine!" Sain broke, and threw the game. The male employee from earlier smiled wickedly and tossed Sain another one of those 'Elibe-Mart pwns j00!' shirts.

"Sigh…" Sain walked out, clutching his uniform. The girl followed behind him. "What do you want?"

"Thank you, Sainy!" The girl gave Sain a kiss and then dashed off. Sain sighed again and joined his friend.

"I do not know if that was worth it."

"Trust me, that probably wasn't." Kent sighed, and then looked at the others. The door to the Roulette room opened, and Ninian stepped inside. Inside, she found another employee seated at a roulette table.

"Okay! If you land on a skull, you lose! Simple as that!"

"Um…Very well." Ninian sat down opposite from the worker, and then looked at the wheel. "Hey, there's only one number there!"

"Well, it's house advantage!" The employee placed the ball down and spun the wheel. Amazingly enough, the ball landed on the only number. Unsurprisingly, the employee kicked the table, and the ball hopped up and landed on a skull instead. "Aww…Looks like you lost. Here's your uniform. You work after this is all done." He tossed her a short dress that had the same slogan as the shirts. Ninian walked sadly outside.

Next up was Eliwood. "Come on, Farina! I want you to come to make sure that the guy doesn't cheat!"

"Well, okay." Farina followed the lord into the blackjack room.

Farina stood behind Eliwood as he seated himself in front of another employee of Elibe-Mart. The employee dealt out the cards, and Eliwood peeked at his. He had a king and a six, while his opponent's card was an ace.

"Hm…How many games?" Eliwood looked at the employee.

"Four." With that exchange, they got into the game.

Eliwood flipped up his cards so his opponent could see them. "Hit me!"

"ELIWOOD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!" Farina gaped at the lord, who smiled confidently.

"Do not worry. I believe in the heart of the cards. I cannot be defeated."

The employee, who looked dumbfounded for a moment, handed Eliwood a card, which was a five. "Eliwood! You've got twenty-one!"

"Hit me!" Eliwood slammed his hand on the table.

"What are you doing!" Farina clutched her head, astounded by the lord's apparent stupidity.

"But sir…You've got twenty-one." The employee looked at Eliwood.

"Don't question me! Hit me!"

"But sir!" As he said that though, the first employee from earlier entered and whispered in the young man's ear. The man nodded. "Very well." He dealt him another card, which was a ten. "Looks like you bust, sir."

"Drat!" Eliwood tossed down his cards. "Just a minor setback."

"Eliwood, you freaking idiot!" Farina felt like crying, and then strangling Eliwood.

"Don't worry, Farina. I will win. I have faith in the heard of the cards." The next hand was dealt. Eliwood flipped his cards face-up, once again. They were a jack and an ace.

"Another blackjack! Dude, this is creepy." Farina looked incredulously at Eliwood's cards.

"Hit me!"

This time, Farina didn't bother saying anything, and sat down, completely drained from the lord's stupidity. Eliwood's opponent gave the lord another card, which was another jack.

"Hit me!"

"ARGH!" Farina ripped the table leg off and started clonking Eliwood on the head. She was forcibly restrained, and dragged outside of the room, where she was screaming curses. Back inside, Eliwood shook his head.

"Why did she do that? Doesn't she know that I believe in the cards?"

"I have no idea sir. Do you wish to continue?"

"Of course! Come on, heart of the cards!"

"I feel like I'm clubbing a baby rabbit."

It continued in that fashion until Eliwood finally lost, since he always hit even though he had twenty-one. Idiot. So Eliwood got drafted in the Elibe-Mart machine, and only Farina was left. Since it was the last game, they decided to hold it in the main building, so that everyone could watch.

"Ha! Prepare to lose!" The first employee they had encountered was now in a heated duel of cards with Farina.

"In your dreams!" Farina grinned. "Show me your cards!"

"Six aces!"

"Six aces? You're only allowed to have five cards in poker! And there are only four aces in the deck!"

"No! She knows the rules!" The employee looked around frantically. "Fine! Four Aces!"

"Royal Flush!" Farina cheered. "Take that, loser!"

"Noooooo!" The employee grabbed her cards and began dealing again. "I'll get you! Four more games!"

"Deal!" Farina flashed him a predatory grin, no doubt thinking that it would be an easy win. And it was.

"Full house, Aces and Kings!" The employee smiled, certain that he had won.

"Straight Flush!" Farina laid her cards out, winning again.

"Four of a Kind!"

"Higher Four of a Kind!"

"Straight Flush!"

"Royal Flush!"

"Royal Flush!"

"Royal Flush of Spades! Owned, sucker! Looks like I win!" Farina laughed as she took all of the employee's money.

"Noooooooo…Master Nergal! I have…failed you!" The employee let out a scream before dissolving into dust and disappearing.

"Amateur…" Farina smiled. "Nobody has better luck that me." She stood up, cracking her knuckles. "So who's next?"

All of the Ilian Elibe-Mart employees fled, running for their lives. Eliwood, Kent, Sain, and Ninian were left, holding their Elibe-Mart uniforms.

"Come on, Farina! You've got to save us!" Eliwood pleaded to Farina, who thought about it.

"Eh…I don't know. After all, I think you guys would look pretty cute in those uniforms."

"FARINA!"

"Okay, okay!" Farina held up her hands. "I'll help, I'll help. Geez. Give me a couple of days to think of a plan, okay?"

"Fine." Eliwood grumbled.

"See you guys later! Don't suffer too much without me!" Farina waved goodbye to them as she left the market, thinking of a way to defeat the master gamblers of Ilia. She rubbed her hands together. "Aha! I've got it. I just need a couple of days to contact some people, and I'll have my friends rescued! And then I can demand rewards from them!" Farina continued chuckling as she headed for a nearby inn. She had a couple of favors to cash in, and she was certain that the Ilian Elibe-Mart would fall.

* * *

Chris: Well, there you go. The first installment of the Ilian Elibe-Mart adventure. Hope you like it, and review please! 


	4. Chapter 4: Plan? What Plan? Oh…That Plan

Chris: Here it is! The second chapter of the Ilian trilogy!

Farina: Trilogy? Is it gonna be like the Hitchhiker's Guide or something?

Chris: No! I mean it's actually going to be a trilogy!

Farina: Ohh….

**Kiyoko-chan: **Yay! I get more pocky points! And yeah, people are cheap in rock-paper-scissors…Stupid tiger claws. And yeah, it's good that I'm getting a lot...but it makes me weirded out for some reason.

**Lords of swords and waffles: **I'm glad you like the chapter. And thank you for taking care of the guy who reported me.

**Nightmare: **Yeah. Poor, poor Sain. Oh well. He gets freed later. And Farina's plan is….A secret. The others will get their own chapters later.

**Eladard: **Yeah, everyone thinks Farina is cheating.

Farina: I am not!

Suuuuure…Have fun with your plot bunny!

**generic reviewer: **I had a reference to pokemon there? Wow…I never knew that.

**K-Gforever: **Yep. It's just too bad his standing is too high.

**narugurlee13: **Thanks for the compliments, and I'm glad you liked the chapter.

**Lack Thereof: **It would be kind of sad to actually see someone use "Heart of the cards!" in a blackjack game. It'd be funny if that actually worked.

**AppleBerry: **Thanks for the compliment. I'll try my best!

**Evergladelord:** Don't worry. I will.

Mia: Liar.

* * *

**Chapter 4: Plan? What Plan? Oh…That Plan.**

"You know, I have this feeling that she forgot about us."

"Naw, ya think?" Sain turned to Eliwood, a disgusted expression on his face. "It's been at least a week and we haven't seen any sight of her! For these past days we've had to go through the whole Elibe-Mart 'brainwashing' training, cater to all of the senior employees, and act like complete retards!" The brown-haired cavalier threw up his hands in frustration. "When is she going to save us?"

Meanwhile…Back with Farina…

"Looks like I win again!" The pegasus knight smiled broadly and swept up her winnings. The rest of the players threw down their cards and grumbled angrily.

"I think I liked it better when you were gone."

"Aw, don't be like that! Come on, we're members of the Stormwings here! We should be prepared for setbacks!"

"I don't think losing all of our money counts as a _military_ setback."

"Well, I'll grant you that. Don't worry. Once we can get in a game with the other pegasus wings, you guys will get your money back. You can count on it."

"Sure, sure. So, what have you been doing on your own? I mean, suddenly disappearing and placing your second-in-command in charge of the whole unit."

Farina winked and called for more beer for all of her soldiers. "You guys won't believe it."

* * *

"We don't need saving. Elibe-Mart will bring glory to us all." Kent muttered in a monotone voice, holding up a finger.

"Shut up, Kent! Snap out of it!" Sain smacked his friend on the back of his head. "I can't wait to see what's next."

"I'm glad to hear that." Suddenly, an employee appeared behind them, rubbing his hands in an evil-sort of way. With that evil cackling too. You know they're evil when they do that.

"Holy!" Sain jumped in the air, completely caught off-guard by the employee's entrance. "Great…What now?"

"It's time for you lackeys to get your first jobs."

"Perfect." Sain let out a long sigh and looked despairingly at the others. Eliwood just shrugged, Ninian nervously ran a hand through her hair, and Kent kept his serious expression.

"First of all…Kent."

"What is it?" Kent folded his arms, not exactly overjoyed at the fact that he'd have to start working.

"You will be assigned to…Marketing!"

"Isn't marketing the practice of lying to the customers so badly that they think your product is perfect?" Sain tapped his chin. "Yeah, that should be it."

"Ah, but in Elibe-Mart, we don't call it that. We prefer the term, convincing others to partake in the glory that is in our products through thoughtful and insightful debate. Now, hurry up Kent. Your training begins."

"Gah…This sucks." Kent trudged off to the sales department, and was whisked inside the building.

"Now, for Ninian."

"Yes?" Ninian looked up, worried that she'd get a crappy job as well.

"You will be in charge of customer service! It's a great honor!"

"You mean that she'll be trying to calm all of the angry retards that come up with pathetic and idiotic reasons for returns and exchanges. Such as the ever-popular, 'This ring doesn't fit around my neck!' or 'I bought a sword, but I'm proficient in lances! Can I exchange it even though there's a sign that clearly says, 'No refunds or exchanges!'?'" Sain, once again, delved through the corporate double talk to find the truth.

"Um…Yes. Exactly. Go on, Ninian. It's time for your basic training."

Ninian pouted and walked off, unhappy that she would be away from Eliwood (and Kent…Or not.).

"As for Eliwood…You will be in…Management!"

"NOT FAIR! How come Eliwood gets a job that perfectly suits him?"

"I resent that!" Eliwood folded his arms and glared at Sain. "I would not do well in management."

Sain muttered under his breath, "Yeah…You'd probably be too stupid."

"I HEARD THAT!"

"People, people! We don't want any fighting around here! Since Sain here has an objection…You will be in charge of Environment and Aesthetic appeal."

"I'm a janitor." Eliwood stared at the employee, who nodded.

"We prefer the term, environmental sanitizer, but janitor works just as well. I'm sure you know what to do. Here's your mop and pan." The employee pulled out the items from his back and handed them to Eliwood. The lord faked tripping, and smashed the mop against the employee's head, shattering the wooden handle.

Eliwood smiled sweetly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I must have tripped on an offending puddle of water. If you would so kindly get me another mop, I'll clean it up." And then, softly so no one could hear, "And smash the mop on your head again."

"Oh, here you go, Eliwood." The employee pulled out another mop, and Eliwood proceeded to mop the floor. "Now, on to you, Sain."

"Shit."

"Is that the proper attitude? Now, you're going to be a product manager."

"I'm a teamster. In other words, package hauler and big buff boy with brawn."

"Exactly." The employee wore a big grin.

Sain rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Hm…There are going to be others right? Any…uh…Female product managers?"

The employee's smile widened even more. "Not exactly. Your co-workers are fat, hairy, slovenly men whose only hope for some action is to blindfold their date and hoping she's too stupid to notice. Oh, and they're also beer buddies."

Sain slapped his face and moaned. "Oh no…This can't get worse."

"Oh, but it can. Because every other day is the supermarket's Teamster Exercise regimen. Inside the pool. I'm slightly pitying you."

"OH GOD! KILL ME NOW!"

"I'm so sorry." The employee shoved Sain towards the teamster department while the cavalier tried desperately to claw away and run for his little life. Eliwood, who had just finished mopping, was busy rolling on the floor, laughing his ass off.

"ROFLMAO!"

"Dude, that's not even English." The employee raised an eyebrow at Eliwood. "Get back to work."

"Sigh…Yes, sir." Eliwood saluted and sadly walked off to another part of the supermarket that needed cleaning. Which meant that he was going to be walking across the whole supermarket.

In Sales Training, Kent was not a happy camper. Apparently, working in sales meant that he had to lie a lot. And we mean a lot. _'This is an infringement on my knightly code. Farina had better save us, or else I'm going to find some way to sneak out of here and kill her.'_ The orange-haired cavalier stared at the instructor, extremely bored.

"There are two truths in sales. There's the truth…" The teacher wore a big frown and slowly shook his head. "Or the truth!" The teacher brightened and gave a big smile. He pointed to an exhibit where there was a small magic blender. "What would you call this?"

"Small?" Kent answered without thinking.

"No…That's the truth…." The teacher frowned. "Instead of using the word small, use these…enlightening words instead!" He pointed to the blender. "It's compact and energy-efficient! It's in a convenient travel size! Perfect for those crowded homes with no space! And also, it comes in fifteen different nifty colors!"

"How exactly does being small effect energy usage and colors?" Kent stared skeptically at the blender. _'I still think it's freaking small.'_

"Kent, Kent, Kent. You're thinking too much like an intelligent customer here. You cannot sell stuff if you can't sell the product! Believe your words and make it seem like they are true!" The teacher whipped out a very, very, moldy piece of meat. "I bet you I can sell this wonderful, nutritious, and lively piece of meat to one of you for one-thousand gold. In ten minutes, also."

"OOOH! I want it!" A student sitting next to Kent raised his hand, straining to get the attention of the teacher. Kent let out a big sigh and placed his hand over his face.

'_Where the hell is Farina?'_

* * *

"So I charge him twenty-thousand gold! And he pays me all of it! Not a single gold piece left out!" Farina laughed and slapped her hand on the table. "That Hector is such an idiot!" It was a couple of hours from when she first started telling her story, and Farina was slightly drunk. Farina was slightly better off than some others, though. Some of her comrades had already passed out and were sleeping on the floor.

"That…That's our leader! A drink to her!" One of the other pegasus knights raised her mug in salute before pitching face forward onto the table.

"Here here!" Farina raised her own glass and took a long, loooong drink. Her mind fuzzily remembered something. _'I was supposed to rescue some people…Right?' _The pegasus commander looked dismally at her empty beer glass. "Another round for everyone!"

Cheers resounded through the bar.

* * *

"Now, customers will come up to you and ask you for refunds. No matter how pathetic, cute, handsome, or needy they may seem, you must say, 'NO!' to everyone." Ninian's teacher paced around the customer service building. "Also, you will probably double up with a check-out counter as well. No matter what people say, candy is not legal tender. Neither is silver, platinum, or bronze. Only gold pieces will do."

Ninian nodded. She had learned all this back in her homeland already, in the prep course for "Dragon's Guide for Exploring Elibe: Customs".

"Now! Ninian! You must say no to this…little kid!" The teacher called in a young boy who looked around five years old. His clothes were little more than rags, and his hair was extremely messy. The kid looked pleadingly at Ninian.

"P-Please miss…C-Can you please give me some money for food? I'm ever so hungry, and it's so cold outside."

Ninian's first impulse was to say yes, and shower gold coins on the child, but she remembered the training and restrained herself. Still, it took her a lot of power to look that innocent face in the eye, and say, "No."

"Good work, Ninian! You have passed the final exam!" The teacher clapped his hands merrily. "Now, go away, kid."

"B-But sir…" The kid turned his pleading eyes towards the employee.

"Aw, go run into a ditch." The employee picked up the kid and tossed him outside.

Ninian trembled with anger. _'Stupid employee…I'll show him! How dare he treat that kid like that? The moment I get, I'll dock that guy in the jaw. And then give some money to that poor, little kid. But where the hell is Farina?'_

* * *

"I've got a pegasus in the stable!" Farina belted out a song a full volume, accompanied by the conscious members of the Stormwings.

"I've got my lance and gold!"

"Oooooh Oooooh…"

"My journey's just beginning!"

"Yeeaaah…"

"I'd better finish it before I get old!" Farina took a long pull from her ale mug and slammed it on the table. "I've got my winning poker hand!"

The bartender looked at them and sighed. He hadn't heard that song in a long time, but he didn't miss a minute of it. The man ruffled his own hair in frustration and sincerely wished that Farina would pass out.

* * *

'_This is pure hell.'_ Sain trudged along the back of the Elibe-Mart, carrying huge packages that must have been filled with anvils. His thoughts turned towards what the employer had said. The guy wasn't that far off the mark. From what Sain had seen so far, the teamsters were fat guys who couldn't button their shirts because they guts were too big. Many of them already have protruding beer bellies, and Sain was trying his hardest to erase those images from his mind. Plus, he was also trying to avoid touching any of them. Sain shivered.

"Hey, it's the new guy!" One of the aforementioned teamsters pointed to Sain, who shuddered and quickly tried to hide somewhere.

"Uh…Uh…I've got work to do! Sorry!" Sain dashed off, carrying his package of anvils. He ran into Eliwood, who was cleaning up the back parking lot. "Having fun?"

"Yeah, cleaning floors is a blast. You can't even count the number of papers and trash that seem to appear out of nowhere. It's so exciting to clean a puddle with your trusty mop and finding another one a couple of minutes. Oh, I'm having a wonderful time." Eliwood grumbled sarcastically, vigorously scraping gum off of the wall.

"Glad to see it. Any idea where Farina is?"

"Stupid Farina. For all we know, she's out drinking and making an utter fool of herself."

"Kind of like you on Friday nights, huh?"

"Exactly."

"How many people _did_ you offend at that last outing?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Be that way. I'm just making conversation while carrying this heavy package…Which apparently has no destination." Sain dropped the package on the floor...and on his foot. "OH F-CK!" Sain cursed loudly as he hopped on one foot, trying to soothe the pain in the other foot. Eliwood looked on, extremely amused.

"This beats work any day. Yep, I bet Farina is acting just like Sain right now."

* * *

"I…I just have to say what a great bunch of girls you guys are." Farina was standing on a table, wobbling slightly. "Without you people, we would never have become one of the best pegasus wings in all of Ilia!" She flung her arms out, including the one that held the beer mug. The alcoholic drink splashed all around her, landing on the table, the floor, her clothes, and on other people's faces.

"But we're gonna be the best! C-Cause….I say so! So…Let's keep fighting girls, cause I love you all!" The pegasus knight finally had her fill of beer, and toppled off of the table. The bartender breathed a sigh of relief and finally closed his bar, carrying the unconscious pegasus knights of the Stormwings to the beds that were kept just for situations like this.

"They are going to get such a hangover tomorrow….I think that alone should be worth watching."

* * *

Chris: Oooooh…It's the end of the new chapter. That says nothing about the plan. Cause, you know, Farina was drunk and playing games. And when you're drunk, you act funny. And don't remember certain things. 


	5. Chapter 5: Under New Management

Chris: Here is the last chapter to the Ilian trilogy of War of the Supermarkets! Enjoy!

**Lord of swords and waffles: **Well, here's the end! I hope you like it!

**K-GForever: **Glad you liked all of the stuff. And Farina is a very bad rescuer.

**Snowyiji: **Thanks.

**narugurlee13: **That's okay. Just as long as I still know you like the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem. I own Elibe-Mart in all of its 50 percent off glory.

* * *

**Chapter 5: Under New Management**

"Urgh…" Farina sat up from the bar floor, groaning in pain. She blinked her eyes and immediately regretted it as the bright sunlight struck her eyes. "My head is killing me…" Farina pushed herself off of the floor, staggering wildly.

"It's your fault." The bartender from last night was still there, cleaning up the tavern.

"You stop shouting and maybe I'll listen to you." Farina moaned again and sat heavily on the floor. Her head continued to pound, and she winced as she heard crashes occurring from next door. "What is that…?"

"Your friends from yesterday are staying at the tavern's rest house for the intoxicated. Oh, and by the way." The bartender whipped out a small sheet of paper. "Your bill."

"What the hell is this?" Farina shouted before clasping her ears and moaning in pain. The bartender smirked.

"Looks like you had too much to drink." He looked wickedly at a bunch of empty bottles lying on a wooden table. Picking one up, he tossed it in his hands before chucking it at the wall. The bottle shattered and Farina winced at the noise.

"I surrender! Stop….My head…Ow…I'm gonna kill you later for this." Farina staggered outside for a couple of seconds and the bartender heard sounds of heaving outside. He gave a big grin and continued cleaning up the bar, whistling cheerfully.

* * *

"Thank you for your business, sir." Ninian bowed to one of the customers in the Ilian Elibe-Mart, a fake smile on her face. "I hope you come again." _'Not! Please…Let me get out of this place!'_

Due to the lack of…rescuing on the part of Farina, Sain, Kent, Eliwood, and Ninian had tried their own forms of escape. However, the doors would automatically close when they tried to leave. And although Sain worked outside and could have left at any minute, a couple of girls would block his path and promise him dates if he didn't leave. Being the cavalier that he is, he immediately accepted their offers. Currently, he had dates lined up for the next five months.

Eliwood, with his access to all parts of the Elibe-Mart, tried sneaking into the manager's room and killing him with a broom, but failed miserably. One reason was the fact that he didn't have a broom in his hands. The second was that he snuck into the bathroom. Third is that he's now on trial for killing an innocent man who was taking a leak. His main charge was chronic stupidity.

Kent only had access to marketing, but he tried to use his newfound skills to convince the Elibe-Mart employees that he was only a customer and that he had to go home. Unfortunately, it didn't work, since Kent sucked at marketing. Actually, he convinced everyone that he was a dog and received many dog treats and bones. Kent proclaimed this as the worst moment in his life. Sain countered by recalling that moment when Kent tripped over a blade of grass, fell off a cliff, crashed all the way down the cliff, and landed right onto Lyn's breasts. Kent promptly socked Sain in the mouth for saying that before storming off.

And as for Ninian…Well, her plan might have worked if she dealt with smart customers. But since that never happens in customer support, her plan had no chance of succeeding anyway.

Another week passed, and yet there was still no sign of rescue. Sain still suffered from extreme lack of womanizing and Kent was afflicted with Lyers Disease, which affects all marketers. Eliwood was serving three hours of jail time and Ninian was visibly restraining herself from going into her dragon form and wiping out everything in the continent.

However, just as Ninian was about to give into the urge and nuke the continent of Elibe, all of the employees screamed and dissolved into dust. Ninian blinked her eyes and stared at the mounts of ash that lay on the floor.

"Whoa! What the hell happened?" Eliwood, who mysteriously appeared (He broke out of jail. They really don't have many guards in the Ilian jail.), looked dismally at the piles of ash. "Great! Now I have to clean this all up!"

Sain rushed inside as well. "I was about to get body slammed by five very ugly men when suddenly they turned into ash and-Whoa! What happened here?" Sain stepped on a pile of ash and slipped, crashing into a pile of band-aids which were guaranteed to prevent harm.

"We're free!" Kent jumped in the air happily, only to conk his head on a pile of biking helmets. "Ow."

"That must mean that Farina came through for us!" The four of them left the supermarket, and looked at the Elibe-Mart sign. Hanging over it was a white banner that said, "Under New Management."

"Hey guys!"

They turned to see Farina cheerily waving at them. The pegasus knight grinned cheekily at them as she pointed at the Under New Management sign.

"You mean, you bought out the Ilian Elibe-Mart?" Sain looked at Farina incredulously.

"Of course. What'd you expect?" Farina shrugged.

"Well…Yeah, what did I expect?" Sain scratched his chin. "Anyway, this means we can leave, right?" Sain looked at Farina hopefully.

"Yeah…Well…I do own this building. And it would be interesting to have you guys working for me." Farina grinned evilly. "Heh heh heh…"

"Aw crap! She's fallen under the influence of the dark side! The presence of the Elibe-Mart has corrupted her soul!" Eliwood shouted frantically and shook Kent.

"Yes! I know that!" Kent pushed the frightened lord off. "Now listen here, Farina! You were supposed to be helping us!"

"Oh? But I am helping you. By letting you work for me! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Farina laughed madly and pointed inside of the supermarket. "Now move it! I expect to see this building in tip-top shape when I reopen it!"

"Farina! Don't do this!" Sain felt himself being pulled inside of the supermarket and he held out a despairing hand to the pegasus knight.

"Don't call me Farina! You will address me as Queen Farina!" Farina glared imperiously at the cavalier.

"Nooooooooooo!" Sain struggled against the invisible force, trying to bring Farina back to her old self.

"Sain! Don't! It's too late for her! She's already lost!" Eliwood looked hopelessly at Farina, who was still laughing. "I just hope she doesn't make us do any gay stuff…"

"Tomorrow, I expect to see a fifty-foot tall statue of me erected up here!"

"Dammit."

* * *

While Farina slowly became an agent of Nergal's evil Elibe-Mart influence stuff, Merlinus was having a little trouble with his supermarket, which was located in Ryerde.

"That's the problem! No one wants to shop at a supermarket named after a fat, portly suck-up!" Matthew discussed the inner workings of economics with his friend, Guy.

"I completely agree. I mean, who would want to go to a supermarket named Merlinus's Mart? It should have something more…Original." Guy frowned. "Has there been any news of the other Elibe-Marts?"

"Not at all…It's disturbing." Matthew shook his head. "Even my spy contacts don't know anything."

"MAYDAY! MAYDAY!" Merlinus rushed in, holding a scroll. "There's trouble in Ilia! The Elibe-Mart is no longer being run by Nergal!"

"That's a good thing…Right?"

"No, it isn't! Because Farina bought it out and now she's running it! The Ilian Elibe-Mart still stands!" Merlinus sobbed. "How will I ever make money?"

"Stop crying. Tch…Just like Farina. Well, we better hope the other groups have more success." Matthew groaned. "Now, about getting new customers…We need something to attract them. For the girls….Oh Guy…" The thief turned to the myrmidon and grinned.

Guy edged away slowly. "Now Matthew…Just because I owe you a couple of favors…"

"You and Fiora will be our advertisers. Let's see…Guy, take off your shirt and show off that manly chest to all of Ryerde."

"HELL NO!"

"Are you sure?" Matthew asked him teasingly. "I'll take off two favors! You'll only have two more left."

"Please, Guy! I'm begging you!" Merlinus got on his knees and clutched Guy's arm.

"FINE! I'm going to kill you, Matthew!" Guy stalked angrily outside.

"There, that's one problem solved. Now Legault?"

"Yo!" The thief popped up next to Matthew.

"I want you to spread these fliers all over Elibe." Matthew handed Legault a couple of paper fliers advertising Elibe-Mart.

"No problem." Legault walked outside, tossed them into the wind, and walked back inside. "All done."

"…Not what I meant. Hm….I guess that's good enough for now. Fiora is good as a cashier girl and Priscilla is out greeter…Merlinus restocks the supermarket and you and I…We're publicity. Everybody loves thieves."

"Damn straight. Now, let's drink to the occasion!" Legault pulled out two bottles of whiskey and handed one to Matthew. "Cheers!"

* * *

"We are totally lost!" Raven punched a rock with his hand and shattered it. "Who was guiding us?"

"You were." Bartre pointed at Raven.

"You shut up!" Raven kicked Bartre and stalked off. It had been two whole weeks since they had left, and there was still no sign of the Elibe-Mart. Raven was getting royally pissed and had to continuously stop Karel from killing everyone.

"…"

"…"

"I heard that!" Raven pointed at Rath and Jaffar, two of the most silent people on the planet. "You say that again and I'll kill you both! I can do that!"

"I found it! Time to kill!" Karel pointed to a small, white building that was nestled between two hills. "BURN!" The berserk swordmaster raced towards the Elibe-Mart, leaving the rest of his group behind.

"Uh….We'd better go, then." Raven and the other three members of Team Fight (Raven's name for their group.) ran after Karel, eager to release their stress. Yes, they had a lot of stress. Wandering in mountains for two weeks does that to you.

* * *

Chris: Yeah….It's short. But that's okay, right? Anyway, hope you like. And the next chapter is about the Bern group.

And just so you know, the Ilian storyline is finished for now. Farina took over the Elibe-Mart and now is forcing people to work there. Tsk, tsk.

Farina: I am your queen! Review and bask in my glory! Or else you will work in Elibe-Mart and become my slave! Mwahahahahaha!

Tsk, tsk.


End file.
